Same place

Long blog. Thought to do the “continue reading” thing.

I guess I should start by apologizing to my inner circle of friends for my behavior as of late. I’ve been moody and agitated for seemingly no apparent reason. During an invitation for prayer at the end of the service I attended this morning, I went up and asked the pastor for prayer. The message was about the Brazen Altar at the temple that existed during Old Testament times. I asked for prayer for my aggravation and unnecessary anger. I wanted to lay down all the crap that has been making me ‘not me’.

There have been a number of times when I’ve come to this place before. When I pray and say, “Lord my thoughts are not your thoughts. I let go of all the crap that’s inside my head. Things that discourage me, annoy, me and and things that don’t align with you. I don’t want to feel this way anymore.” I pray this when I’m at home and I’m good for awhile. But for some reason it doesn’t last. Obviously it hasn’t gone away.

I was reminded just now of Paul’s “thorn in the flesh”. He begged God to take away a thorn in his flesh that tormented him. But God said, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” I don’t think or believe my weirdness is a spiritual demon tormenting me, but like I said it just came to mind just now. So whatever.

Going back to me asking for prayer this morning, the pastor right away said there might be fears and insecurities that are being expressed through anger. He prayed and I sat down.

Everyone has insecurities so there is no reason why it should affect me differently. But fears?? I can’t think of any fears off the top of my head that would cause me to be angry at myself and angry at the world.

A song that was played during worship this morning was “Everlasting” by Hillsong United. A line in the song goes, “..And the cry in my heart is to bring you praise, from the inside out Lord my soul cries out.” At that moment I felt myself break because all I wanted was to give Him praise. All the concerns about my life, my future, my family just didn’t seem important anymore. I just wanted to give Him praise.

Like I said, I’ve been here before where I pray to let go of this junk. Is this time going to be the time that things change? I don’t know. I don’t know why it feels like it’s hitting me stronger than it has in the past. I don’t know why I feel the way I feel. I just know I want it to stop.

Again, I’m sorry to everyone. I don’t know what else to say but I’m sorry.

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